I had to parallel park on the same day that I went to a gynecologist for the first time. That makes me an adult now. It has been three months since I graduated from college and in those last three months I have made changes in my life that I did not think I would make. I have been in graduate school for one month and I have had to adjust my expectations and hobbies because I am currently living in my hometown where it has been scientifically proven that there is nothing to do. But I am not going to spend my time ranting about 10 Things I Learned After I Moved Back Home After College because I’m still technically in college and at the end of next year I will probably move somewhere else to do more college. I’ve struggled for three months to come up with a blog topic that would last a few scrolls. I started writing an essay on my struggle with trichotillomania and dermatillomania, but I don’t want to write essays for shock value. Eventually I will post it but for now I want to write about this new and awkward time in my adult life that I have entered.
What I’m Reading
I am super into feminist chican@ literature. I am currently reading Chicana Lesbians: The Girls Out Mothers Warned Us About, edited by Carla Trujillo. Here is a link to purchase from Amazon. I would like to post a direct-from-editor link but apparently this book is out of print? I bought my copy from AbeBooks.com which is a great online used book store. I’m researching potential MA thesis topics and PhD-level interests, and I am just so drawn to 90s chican@ literature. I might be Dr. Natalie. Wow.
Um, I have not read any fanfiction in probably two years but I have been thinking more and more about New York and how reading it was one of the prominent ways I passed time in high school. The author made some edits in the past year to clean it up and now that I’m back in my old house I am reminded of it so much when I sit in my room. I think I need to re-read it. Oh well. Maybe I’ll get to it.
What I’m Watching
I just finished watching Hannah Gadsby: Nanette on Netflix. It is so powerful and heartbreaking, and if you need to grieve, heal, and get angry at the same time, definitely watch this.
What I’m Listening To
Why Won’t You Date Me, a podcast by Nicole Byer. I LOVE this podcast and I learn so much about real experiences that men and women have in the comedy/LA/NY dating scene. This is probably a horrible summary of the podcast but I love it.
Podcast From Planet Weird is my FAVORITE podcast! Sarah and Juan review Disney Channel Original Movies and occasionally Disney Channel stars’ pop albums, and they do it so well!
Who I’m Following
Marcella Arguello – She is a comedian and she is teaching me through all the podcasts and interviews that I can find about how to be a strong, badass, bitchy, angry, powerful brown woman. Ugh, I love everything she says.
Mitski – Can also be labeled under What I’m Listening To because, holy shit, have you ever heard “Nobody”? I listened to it for an hour straight and then on repeat on my way to school and back, which for me is like a 35 minute drive to and from. I LOVE MITSKI’S MUSIC AND I HATE THAT I DON’T LIVE IN LA ANYMORE SO I CAN’T SEE HER ON A TUESDAY NIGHT AT THE WILTERN UGH. I mean just look at these lyrics! And listen!
Have you ever read or heard something that sounds and feels like it came from the corner of your chest that no one ever hears? I think I cried while I was driving and listening to it, and that was at like repeat #400. Truly wow. I listened to her whole album Be The Cowboy and it’s so great!
In my quest to be more authentic with myself and through meeting new people in town and in grad school, I have found that people are uncomfortable with very honest statements and tend to beat around the bush when describing themselves, their pet peeves, and their accomplishments. I shouldn’t have to shy away from talking about how I’m thinking about pursuing a PhD, or about how I’m not interested in being an elementary school teacher right away, or about how I love the “fakeness” and Instagram culture of Los Angeles, or about how I love to chow down on a huge burger often, or about how I fucking love Twilight, or about how teacher/professors who are so angry and mean up front to their students aren’t shit. This song is such a perfect example of being honest with your feelings and not allowing other people’s shame to shame you away from talking about feeling alone. And Mitski wrote that!
A Sequin Love Affair – Shira Rose’s Instagram/blog is amazing! I found her blog on my quest for body positive-fashion and her blog is so great in showcasing exactly that! I’m definitely using her outfits as inspo for my teaching days and grad school functions.
What I’m Buying
Everything from the Curve section of ASOS.com. Everything fits me so well! I wish I had reasons to buy fancy clothes from them because I would be all over their dress and shoes section. The clothes are super affordable and for just $20 a year you can get 2-day shipping on all your orders. It’s great. Amazon Prime could never. Also, I’m embracing my size more and more and I love it!
This giant Maleficent headpiece from shopDisney.com. First of all, I’m obsessed with Disney’s Descendants movies, and I wanted to treat myself to a cool Halloween piece, so when I saw this on shopDisney.com, I knew I needed to invest. I can’t wait for my Halloween photos because I have this great witchy black dress that I bought from H&M a while ago that will go perfectly with these horns.
Why I’m Writing
I just really want to post something good on the internet right now and in a few days I might come back to this post and add more things to it. I just read a BuzzFeed article about making your own gummy bears and I’m going to go jump down that rabbit hole and buy some gummy bear molds.
I also just want to flush out my thoughts on what it means to be a brown young woman in today’s world. There are so many expectations that want someone like me to be quiet, obedient, passive, too nice, inconvenience-accepting, and overall subservient to loud, angry, usually wrong people “above” me, but I’m learning to be strong, I’m learning how to say no, I’m learning how actually tell people that things inconvenience me, I’m learning to love myself and my body, and I’m learning how to do what I want to do. It won’t do me any good to be quiet so I’ve got to learn how to tell it like it is.
I think I want to write a book. I’m probably on track to write some academic paper or article, but I keep looking at my notebooks and computer files of fanfiction and blurbs that I have written throughout my entire life and I think that I’m finally ready to try and send something out into the world that I’m not embarrassed about. I actually really hate listening to academic advice that is meant to belittle students, but I’m basically forcing myself to read through these horrible “Guy In Your MFA”-type blogs about self-publishing through Amazon and indie publishers to find out what the move is. I also think I might not have enough worldy experience to write some millennial memoir… actually, writing about my summer as a seatfiller would be a good topic because I really was living a double life. Hmm. That might be somewhere to reach for ideas. Then again, if these crusty guys can publish their own books then I can publish whatever I want.
When I was a second year at UCLA I kept saying I wanted to be a screenwriter, but I never wrote anything. I usually have conversation fillers to answer when people ask what I want to “be,” but today an undergrad student (someone I don’t know) asked me, “What are you trying to be?” and I just shrugged and said “I’m just trying to write my own stuff right now,” which is pretty honest. I’ve only been in college for three and 1/4 years (wild) and my dream is not to recite California Educational Standards in a Modcloth dress and Kohl’s sweater at my old elementary school. I haven’t messed around in school enough yet.
I started my own WordPress site and bought my own domain in an act of defiance the stupid idea that UCLA pushed around to students that if your writing or work was not featured on some esteemed platform like HuffPostTeen, The Odyssey, or the fucking Daily Bruin, you were nothing. I hated the idea that I could not be a true writer if I did not publish or write my own work through student media. I hated the idea that I could not be a true student if I didn’t let some company exploit me for an unpaid internship. So I made my own corner of the internet to show that you don’t need any kind of high platform or validation to be a writer, or a blogger, or to practice this kind of public writing.
Hmm. I’m going to start thinking about what I want to write. I wrote fanfiction in high school and posted it on Tumblr and that’s how I became “Tumblr famous” back in the day, but my concept for that story is very worn out and I don’t have any new ideas for it. I also don’t have the same mindset that I had while I was writing, so it is really hard for me to pick up where I left off. I have grown up since then.