Today I signed the hiring papers for my new job. I’m not going to go into specifics about where I work, but just know that it’s supposed to be in my experience range (having a Bachelor’s degree and some grad school done). The sad thing is that my salary for this job after half a year is equal to 12 days worth of pay from my current job. So, it’s in my professional experience range, but the pay is awful. I should be prouder of my accomplishments that it took to earn this job, but obviously only money pays the bills, so I am a little disappointed about this. I’m trying not to fret knowing that I will still spend some time crying in my car this semester, but it’s inevitable that I will have a bad day somewhere and just feel the need to curl up into a ball. Oh well.
Post-grad after 1 year is alright. I managed to travel this summer and do what I wanted to do the most. But the emotional crash after a trip hit me very hard and it was upsetting to think about returning to a very hectic schedule that sometimes disappoints me.
I actually went on my dream trip to Disney World this summer. I meticulously planned out my three days in the parks and bought so much merch that took me hours to evaluate their year-long versatility in my closet. The only park I did not go to was Hollywood Studios because I felt it did not have any attractions that I was dying to see. But it was an amazing experience and I would love to go back to Orlando again soon.
I almost applied for the Disney College Program a few years ago. Every time I bring up that I would love to work for Disney my parents berate me and say, “You want to make corn dogs for a living?” So when I have this really sad job that doesn’t pay well but it’s “status” is worth my UCLA Bachelor’s degree… and the other option is making beautiful candy apples…. sometimes my happy place is a place where someone has waited their whole year to eat a corn dog or a candy apple that I made. I also understand the pay for that is… meh… but if I could retire from my academic career at like 25-30 ish (considering my career projection… that’s not not possible), I feel like I could make it.
It seems honorable to have this job at 22 after notoriously being a good “reader and writer” in my early school days, but sometimes I get flashbacks to being in 6th grade and getting yelled at for not understanding my math homework and getting in trouble for getting bad grades (elementary school grades are pointless but the fear of getting spanked as a kid is why I’m a semi-professor now). All I wanted to do was be a little kid and listen to the Jonas Brothers. As a kid I became so interested in celebrity culture because it was a bubble where children had no homework and had cooler problems to deal with.
So I’m trying to piece together a hobby where I actually create content that I am inspired by. I wish I could say that this job is where I want to be, but as I’m binge-listening to Las Culturistas, I’m being floored by the fact that my love is everything about pop culture and pop music, and I created a career out of the thing that made sure pop culture was this special place I could run to after a hard day dealing with school. I don’t know why. I don’t know why I can’t push myself enough to try make a living or at least a small, internet profit of off the cultural experience that I am an expert in. (Actually, I did send out some job applications. I’m trying.)
Also I was the subject of (slight) verbal harassment (mostly it was jealousy-tinged? bad intentions? mean words?) and I quickly left the incident before anyone else could chime in or I could feel any worse. It wasn’t a bad statement, it was just someone’s opinion of me said out loud and clear, kind of a basic bullying, nothing that anyone would get fired or even a slap on the wrist for. But it hurt me quite a bit. I don’t know how to type this without anyone thinking it was something much worse than it was, so just know that it truly was an under-the-breath comment that I overheard that was a small gossip about me. I didn’t make a fuss about it nor do I want to confront anyone because it is just the nature of how this person feels about me, but to know that were actively people wanting me to fail at doing a particular job was really disheartening. It is one thing for me to decide that an experience is not for me, but it is truly awful to know that other people are rooting for me to fail at that particular experience as well. My life is mine to fail and win.
Another thing that lightens my mood is knowing that my preferred reading material has turned into what most people in my field wouldn’t consider to be good work. But I love it. I found another novel that joins the canon of One Direction fanfictions published. I’m not going to write the name down because I bought this book from the UK and it’s not released in the US yet. I also heard the author might not be a good person. But I’m enjoying the book. Charles Dickens my ass.
I really wanted to see Starkid Homecoming at the Theater at Ace Hotel this weekend, but I didn’t make it to LA. That must be so strange to have a Harry Potter musical that you wrote with your college friends be a viral phenomenon for ten years. I wonder if any of them have had to go on completely normal non-acting/musical job interviews and address that.
I’m also happy this summer I watched the four movies I wanted to watch the most. I actually did a double feature and spent what felt like the entire day at Century City AMC and watched Yesterday and Spider-Man: Far From Home back to back. Then I watched Toy Story 4 the next weekend and Lion King the weekend after that. I actually really liked Lion King. I loved the music. The first research paper I actually enjoyed writing in college was about the Lion King costumes. I know every second of that Broadway soundtrack because it was my emotional buffer freshman year, so I was really happy with the music in the film.
Hm… one thing that did disappoint me during my hiring process today was finding out that my department thought my last name was something else, and so administration didn’t know who I was. Very sad. Also I look like I’m 16 on my ID and it’s shocking people when I show up needing Real Stuff like paperwork and information.
I have debated making a finsta. I know it’s a simple decision for people who want to have a wide social media presence, but I also find that not letting people know I’m struggling is fine. Also I don’t tend to post instagram photos of my body, other people, or photos where I look bad, so I don’t think I would like having a specific place on the internet where that is what is required. Not that a finsta is required, but everyone’s finsta is the same, which is why I hardly follow anyone’s. My social media is still mostly mainstream.
I really want to take a trip by myself, so I tried to plan a trip to San Franciso to see Maggie Rogers but it was nearing $500 so I stopped trying. Then she announced a show at the Greek Theater in LA and I threw my hands up. I’m not going to that one either. But I am seing the Jonas Brothers in Anaheim, which is actually a huge deal. If wasn’t stressing out about the fall semester right now I could probably write a big thing on how this should show me that it’s fine to take a break and fail at things. I’ll do that later when I’m supposed to be doing actual work.
In terms of having a job and traveling, I’m doing okay 1 year post grad. I guess I’m going back to that mindset of wanting to be somewhere else every time I have to do Real Work. Whenever I get too stressed out during school I plan trips to Disneyland in my brain. I guess that worked since I tired myself out at Disney World. I’m not really a Disney Adult since I don’t consider Southern California to be that accessible to me whenever I want to go there.
I think the funniest photo I took in Disney World was this shot in Epcot. Here I am trying to phone my ex-boyfriend Harry Styles. Dialed the wrong number and got the Queen.
In other words:
Anyways. My summer vacation was fun. Now I have to go back to school. When will I be done with school? One year ago I was beginning to think of a PhD. Now I have no idea. Where will I be in one year? Hopefully I can move to LA.
Oh, here’s a photo of the Shawn Mendes concert that I went to. I’ve seen him like four or five times already. Three of them were free concerts. Two of them were at the Staples Center! I messaged my Shawn Mendes ROOMMATE Ana and we reunited for this show. ❤ Was “Fallin’ All In You” great? Yeah. I also had bronchitis at this concert. I almost died on the Uber there, but it was worth it!
Shawn Mendes is so good. I don’t have anything else to say except listen to his music.